When my husband and I got married we knew that we wanted to start our family right away, but we also knew that there was a possibility that we would not be able to have biological children. Though the road ahead for our family was uncertain, I thought I knew what I was getting into. But as most people who have encountered this kind of suffering know, there is a significant difference between accepting the idea of infertility and having it concretely affirmed.
When infertility became my reality, I was affected more deeply than I was prepared for. While I didn’t struggle with the idea of God’s power, I went through a season of wrestling between what I knew to be true and what I was feeling. I knew that God is kind, compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness1. Still, I questioned why he would withhold such a good gift from us.2 And though my husband and I were on this road together, I started to believe that no one, including him, could understand the pain that I felt.
As I continued to wrestle between emotions and truth, God graciously turned my attention to the Word and reminded me that I was not alone. And as I began to read stories of couples struggling with infertility within the pages of scripture I saw much of my pain reflected back to me, and I found both conviction and healing for my aching heart.
A Tale of Two Wives
Two well-known examples of women in scripture who struggled with infertility are Rachel and Hannah. Though they lived in different centuries, the two women have similar circumstances and yet wildly different responses.
In Genesis 30, Rachel, the favorite wife of her husband Jacob, is unable to have children and watches helplessly as her sister Leah gives birth to son after son. Far from content, Genesis 30:1 tells us that she “envied her sister” and allowed that jealousy to fester in her heart until she erupted. In desperation, she pleaded with Jacob and cried: “Give me children, or I shall die!” (Gen 30:1). This seems to imply that either she gets what she wants, or she will ensure that serious harm befalls her. Angered by his wife’s behavior, Jacob rebukes her and reminds Rachel that God is ultimately in control, and he is not the one she should be asking for children (Gen 30:2). But instead of heeding his advice, she takes matters into her own hands.3
In contrast, Hannah’s story is also one of intense longing, but it lacks the desperate envy of Rachel. She too was the more loved and yet infertile wife of her husband, Elkanah, and she felt all the accompanying grief of infertility as she watched Peninnah have children. 4In 1 Samuel 1:10-15, Hannah is weeping and crying out to the Lord with such passion that Eli the priest believed that she was inebriated. But rather than following Rachel’s example of laying out an ultimatum to her husband, Hannah goes directly to the Lord, vowing to dedicate the child to him if, and not when, he grants her one.5
Honestly, it can be tempting to follow Rachel’s example instead of Hannah’s. It’s easier to look at those around us and compare our circumstances with theirs, to envy those who do not struggle with infertility, or to make unreasonable demands as we attempt to barter for the expansion of our family. But Hannah models a different response to her suffering. She acknowledges her pain and grief in a way that’s cloaked with humility, not by complaining to others, but by taking her suffering directly to the Lord and laying her requests before him. Her response echoes the sentiment of Job who declared in his own suffering: “[God] gives and he has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21).
If you find yourself dealing with infertility, consider these three simple principles as you respond:
- Stop comparing yourself to others.
Part of the pain that both Rachel and Hannah encountered was a direct result of comparing themselves to another woman. When we look around and compare our situation to others, we are in danger of viewing our fellow Christians as rivals instead of sisters. When we allow ourselves to fall into this temptation, we are doing more than harming our own hearts, we are denying our sisters love and fellowship.
Though it can be necessary to create healthy boundaries as we grieve, we cannot allow ourselves to become isolated because of that envy. Sharing our hurt with trusted believers who will walk alongside us can grant us the perspective and support that we need. Eventually, the Lord may also call you to share your story and use your vulnerability to encourage and challenge others who are on or will walk a similar path.
- Take your requests directly to the Lord.
Rather than making demands of other finite people as Rachel did, Hannah took her request to the only one who could truly help her. As we wrestle with infertility, it is important to remember to start by going to the Lord. This is not to say that we should never seek advice from a medical professional or wisdom from a trusted friend or counselor, both are valuable and necessary resources, yet we have to remind our own hearts and minds that the future of our family is ultimately in God’s hands.6
It can be easy to feel that we are somehow bothering God by bringing our questions and petitions to him, but it was he who granted us the great privilege of coming before him in prayer. If you are a follower of Christ, you have both the access and freedom to pour out your heart before him. Throughout the psalms we find examples of difficult questions and unfiltered heartache being brought directly to God, and though the reader is not always able to see a clear resolution, the message remains: God hears our cries7 and no time spent before him is wasted.8
- Rest in God’s goodness.
Although both women in these stories eventually did have biological children, you and I are not guaranteed the same result. As you wait and pray, rest your mind and your heart in the truth that, even if you never have any, or additional, biological children, God remains both sovereign and good. When the world around you seems gray and bleak, turn to him and study his character. Within the pages of scripture you will not find a God that is distant and angry, nor a God who is punishing you for some unknown sin. Rather, you will find a Father who is near and kind, whose heart aches alongside yours as you walk through this season of suffering.9 Continue to seek him and to rehearse the hope and truth of scripture to yourself until it becomes the natural melody of your life once again.
Infertility doesn’t mean the end of your journey to becoming a parent. In his kindness, God still calls us to live out this role in unique ways. Many of us will become parents through adoption or foster care, others will be stand in or spiritual mothers to those in our churches and communities. Each is a necessary and beautiful picture of God’s redemptive grace and a reminder that he has not forgotten you. Rather, he is continuing to work on your behalf and he holds the future of your family in his sovereign hands. Through every season, be it marked by joy or heartache, his purpose prevails10 and he will redeem all things, including your infertility, for your good and for his glory.11
- Exod 34:6-7
↩︎ - Ps 127:3
↩︎ - Gen 30:7
↩︎ - 1 Sam 1:2 ↩︎
- 1 Sam 1:10 ↩︎
- Col 1:16-17 ↩︎
- 1 Pet 3:12 ↩︎
- Jas 1:2-3 ↩︎
- Ps 34:8 ↩︎
- Prov 19:21 ↩︎
- Rom 8:20-22 ↩︎
If you are walking through a difficult season and can benefit from biblical counseling, schedule a session with myself or another qualified counselor today.
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