If you have never personally experienced infertility, it can sometimes be difficult to know what to say when a friend shares that they are walking that lonely and heartbreaking road. You probably know that there are plenty of unhelpful things that you should never say, like “just relax” or “at least you can sleep in on the weekends.” You can clearly see that you friend is grieving, but you might feel uncertain about what comforting words are appropriate. Below are a few suggestions for places to begin.
“I’m so sorry.”
Validating their pain should always be your first step. As with other medical conditions, infertility isn’t the result of some secret sin they need to confess, it has happened because we live in a broken and corrupted world. Because of the Fall, childbearing is not simple or guaranteed, and it is painful in a myriad of ways.
It will always be appropriate to express your sorrow for their suffering. As followers of Christ, we are to “weep with those who weep, and mourn with those who mourn.” If this person has chosen to disclose this painful season of life with you, don’t minimize their suffering. Unless they explicitly ask you if you or anyone else that you know has had a similar experience, don’t jump to stories of couples who were able to have biological children after years of infertility. That only further highlights the fact that while others received the desires of their heart, they are left grieving.
“How can I support you?”
The answer to this question will vary based on their personality, their circumstances, and your relationship. If their answer is a simple request for prayer, don’t press them further, but be faithful to pray. If appropriate, ask if you can pray for them right where you are. In the midst of infertility, it can be difficult to know what to pray or even to feel hopeful, but hearing another person go with you to the Throne to make your petitions can be encouraging and life-giving.
If you have a close relationship, you may consider asking them about specific events or areas that may be difficult for them. Activities like church child dedication services or baby showers can be especially difficult. There are a number of ways you could support them during these activities. For example, you can talk to them in the church lobby when the child dedication is happening. Or you might offer to go in on a baby shower gift with them and purchase it yourself. That way, you friend doesn’t have to walk through the baby section of Target. If this is not their first child and they are experiencing Secondary Infertility, you might also consider offering to watch their children during or following a difficult appointment. Their needs and preferences may change over time, and it’s helpful to be flexible whenever possible.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Some people are verbal processors and need a safe space to share what is going on in their hearts and minds. If your friend wants to talk, remember that, unless they directly ask for your opinion, it is often best to simply listen. They are hearing more than enough advice from doctors and probably well meaning family and friends, and what they may need is the space to simply process their emotions.
If the answer the above question is “no,” don’t press them. Keep in mind that when you discuss someone’s infertility, you are indirectly touching on the topic of their body, their intimacy with their spouse, their children, grief, and the future. Each of these are deeply personal topics and they may want to keep the details between them, their spouse, and their doctors. Instead, talk to them about other topics and do fun things with them. No one wants to be reminded of their suffering all day or be treated as though they are made of porcelain.
“I’m thinking about you today.”
Infertility can be incredibly lonely and isolating for both men and women, and a simple text can let them know that they are not forgotten. Especially if your friend shares the dates of specific appointments or procedures, leave yourself a reminder to reach out to them that morning or the evening before. You may also consider giving them the option not to respond. In this case, your text may read something like, “No need to respond. I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for your appointment tomorrow. I am asking God to give you peace and answers.”
If they respond with a simple “love” notification or not at all, don’t take it personally. They are probably exhausted from the day and would prefer not to talk about their suffering any more than necessary. Whenever possible, provide them with grace and space to process on their own timeline.
A Final Note
If you don’t have personal experience in this area that doesn’t mean that you can’t offer support. Infertility is painful and isolating and they will need you. Whether you offer a shoulder to cry on, a batch of cookies, or daily prayers, your support is needed. Be gentle and gracious and remember that each person’s story and grief is unique.
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