Prevailing Purpose

Last week we had a rare phenomenon in our house: my husband was on a work trip for several days. Thankfully no major incidents occurred beyond two sweet boys missing their dad. While he was missed, those days gave me extra time with them, especially at bedtime.

Each of those evenings, I found myself noticing how much they have grown and changed. Although each kid has their own one-on-one bedtime routine, they are much more similar than they used to be. No longer do they end with me rocking them or holding their hand until they slip into sleep, but with me leaving their room with a kiss on the cheek so they can fall asleep on their own.

During the day too, I noticed time marching on. My first grader retrieved his own snacks, filled his water bottle, and practiced his reading before bed. My toddler cemented himself in the “I do it” stage and continued to work on potty training (pray for us). Both played largely unsupervised. And while they certainly still need me for many things, they are slowly but surely working toward independence.

As he so often does, the Lord used this time with them to stir something in my own heart. While I reflected on their growing autonomy, I contrasted it with my own dependence on the Lord.

As my life experience continues to increase, so does my need for him. With each passing year I find myself quicker to pray and more willing to look to scripture for guidance. Not because of my own good nature, but out of sheer need. I am simultaneously becoming more aware of the depths of sin and suffering and the riches of God’s grace, both of which highlight my utter lack and his faithfulness.

I don’t believe that I have a greater need for him than I did before, but I do believe that my awareness of that need has changed. In the past, I would have said that I depended on God, but functionally would have tried to carry on as I pleased.

Now, I more consistently feel my need for wisdom. In counseling sessions I hear stories that grieve me deeply. I feel the acute need to be prepared to lean on scripture as our guide and Christ as our foundation. In parenting I need endurance and patience. And particularly as a special needs parent, I am consistently reminding myself of who holds the future.

True maturity in Christ does not lead to self-sufficiency, it leads to deeper reliance on him. I have no doubt that as time continues to pass and my boys dependence on me slowly fades, my dependence on God never will. And that is not a weakness to overcome, but a grace to embrace.

Part one and two in the series In Reflection of Bedtime.

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